Reset. Restart.
Let’s start over. Do what is important.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Friday, December 12, 2008
Upon Bubu’s advice
I shall resume blogging. I shall put down my thoughts and feelings here so that I may return to them when the going gets tough; or when I am inconsistent, unreasonable or emotional perhaps my previous words will remind me of what is important and right.
Today I am thankful for my husband’s encouragement, support, guidance and love through it all. It takes time (often too long, and after much pain and tears) for me to realise he was right all along, and each time I am still surprised and humbled. I need to work on being more receptive and trusting, even when the end is not in sight.
I have also decided to keep fit, not merely by restricting my diet, but by actually exercising. Dancing, yoga, biking, swimming…so many ways! I am also reading some financial books and refraining from online shopping. And i need to clear my clutter. Like now. Bye.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Getting Organised
After I packed my clothes/wardrobe, getting dressed in the mornings has become so much easier and quicker.
Next is to pack my work cubicle. It’s a disgrace.
Today I sorted out many things and I must say I feel so much more organised! Clutter is evil! Makes the million thoughts running around in my mind run doubly quickly and doubly haphazardly.
Must. Breathe. And. Grin. It.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
When you say nothing at all
Sometimes, actions do not need any explanations.
When you are full of emotions and close to bursting, focus not on explaining, but on how you can, through your actions and convictions, help yourself and others understand better.
Took me a long time to realise the negligible value of self-justification.
Friday, July 18, 2008
How many times must a woman reset herself?
I get this sense that Bu is like Alfred and I am like Bruce.
He can jolly well say “I bloody told you so” but he doesn’t or won’t.
And I, merrily, fecklessly, continue crusading along for no good or clear cause at all. There are the occasional triumphs, but mostly when there are aches and pains (and those are pretty often), it is good old Alfred I turn to for comfort, admonishment and plain old good sense.
You’d think I knew better.
——————————————————————————————————————————————————-
Re-reading my blog entries alerts me of the apparent lapses in thought and behaviour on my part, and reminds me that I am still not concretely working towards any goal at all. It must be very very frustrating to live with me, and abruptly it dawns on me why he has run out of patience. Here is a man who does not want to live an aimless, meandering life. Here is a man full of dreams, hopes and ambition, who cannot seem to proceed because his wife simply doesn’t know what she wishes to do with her life. What does she hope to see on her epitaph? Can she be defined by anything other than meaningless words such as good friend, great teacher, filial child? Are those really empty words? Does she hope to leave a legacy, be it in social services or research?
She doesn’t know. There are a million things to do and none to hang on to and nowhere to begin.
But that is a negative way of thinking. The hardest is beginning, that’s all. It’s painful perhaps, but far from impossible.
And so we begin, again.
Let’s get priorities straight. I like fashion. I don’t think I ever want to be unable to afford the occasional indulgence in a vintage frock or sparkly gemstone. I also like spending money buying gifts for others.
To lead the good life, one must have enough money to afford the good life.
How does one get enough money? One needs to generate income. And without a substantial amount to invest, one must go to work.
Right now, short-sighted as it seems, I cannot find a job that pays me the equivalent of what I’m earning. Or rather, I’m not aware of such a job.
I also don’t save nor invest as much as I’d like to, and the wedding expenses have to be factored in. For the next half a year, it might be advisable to tighten my belt (as Bu pointed out, he hardly spends money compared to me). Still, it’s definitely time to start looking at investment options and generating a seed fund.
On the job front, what use is it complaining? One must inspire and be inspired. It’s the right way to live life, otherwise one becomes indistinguishable from the very specimen of homo sapiens one dislikes. Teaching is a wonderful job, and perhaps made more wonderful in an ordinary school. I’ve never forgotten that, but it seems that my inner demon is wresting for control. But it’s a mental game isn’t it? And since my mental health hasn’t been this good for some time, who says the cheerleaders won’t win?
On the home front, I’m letting the house go to the dogs. Cleaning up shouldn’t be seen as taking up time. It’s part of life 
From today, I must try to blog regularly about the positives in life. It really helps. And learn to go to my little quiet space. I;ve said all this so very many times before. But I’m not internalising it. God grant me the strength and courage.
Love.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Another dollar, another day
Today was quite lovely.
I think it’s always hardest when you actually have to get out of bed. Beyond that, each day actually brings new and exciting experiences.
Take today for instance. I got the morning off to just sit and organise my desk, mail and thoughts. I had time to chat with colleagues, set things straight and do good by my class.
I’m glad
Saturday, June 14, 2008
The world IS enough.
Dear Writer of this blog,
For your consideration and reference please:
1. What is it that you want to do with your old wild and wonderful life come 2010? Time and tide wait for no man, and any plan is better than no plan. Think long-term!
2. Talking and watching or fixing and making bring greater long-term satisfaction and rewards than shopping and eating. Remember and appreciate what you loved Bu for in the first place.
3. You may never be the richest or the smartest or the loveliest or the luckiest, but you have healthy loved ones, enough disposable income, ridiculously beautiful flowering plans and a whole life ahead of you. Happiness can only be found by those who know where to look.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Musings
Jason only spent about two hours with us, but it was a very enjoyable two hours.
Somehow, with him, everything seems so simple, so carefree, so much like childhood perhaps. I think it’s because he is rather child-like, or has still managed to retain that touch of innocence or naivete about him, so even when one is being rather mean, catty or condescending, it never does feel like any harm is done. Of course, Bubu would beg to differ, because having a negative thought may lead to one having a negative action (I still remember Boo’s words, which ring true despite his nay-sayers), but that is not the point of this post.
The point of this post is to celebrate the ordinary, and to be excited, entertained, enthralled and enthused by the simple joys of sitting on one’s cheap, cheerful and comfy couch (I think I’m overdoing the alliteration thing), chuckling at the misadventures of one robotic cat and his idiotic master. With your loved ones beside you, surrounded by chips and the falling light, what more could you ask for? It was an almost magical way to spend the evening, and for awhile I really felt that I had no care in the world. I could lie on my cool, ceramic floor and dream, dream away. I could roll around, giggling and gossiping, and no one would shush me. I could drink long and deep from my beer mug, and burp heartily or sheepishly, depending on the amount of gas. I could bounce around stark naked (Ha actually no lah, your home is a private space which remains public if the front door is open). It was really lovely, and true enough, after he left, Bubu and I seemed to slip back into our private funks, quietly enjoying each other’s company, but the air was thick with quiet desperation and solitude. We both craved for some excitement, meaning, explosion. Misery just loves company.
How interesting isn’t it, to have a holiday where you do nothing, and yet you are not enjoying doing nothing because you know it is denial, or if you are politically-correct, just postponing the inevitable, oops i mean work. Maybe that’s why I can’t seem to feel happy (do not confuse that with contentment, which I mostly have or stressed, which I hardly am) despite chancing upon so many pretty things online. The hours lie before me, waiting for me to fill them with a flurry of agreeable activities such as shopping or reading or sleeping. Yet I feel no joy, only a quiet, secret gratitude that I do not have to deal with what my job entails.
I think I will try to enjoy the simple joys that my job brings. It’s a positive first step. Time to stop associating simple pleasures with something that is the antithesis of work. There is, after all, much joy to be found and savoured in the classroom, along the corridors, in the lounge, over shared chicken meals and during bumpy car rides.
Once again.
I’ve decided to try to resuscitate this blog.
Was vacillating between Livejournal and this, and I figured that I’ll stick to this blog because it allows me to write freely, to express in writing my personal trials and tribulations. Of course I hope that in time, there will be more posts bursting with joy, rather than those expressing frustration or misery, such negative emotions to feel too often. I also hope that I will be able to draw strength from what it written here, be they inspirational encounters with random strangers, sudden epiphanies, my fights with myself and with Bubu, daily encouragement and reminders or just the simple pleasure that a beautiful bloom or a routine day at work can bring.
Let’s talk about what has been going on:
It’s nearing the end of the second week of the June holidays and i’ve been having a grand time. I’ve spent a week with two lovely doggies, Salivrous and Doggerel, many days in my lovely Sesame Street home, important moments with my beloved, and happy times with my gang of pals. There really is much to be thankful for, and today during lunch, Bubu reminded me that I can shape my own reality, and build a dream. I must remembers that, even when my inner demons threaten to surface. Lunch was fantastic, you might say it’s because of the cheese and meat, and I think it’s because the owner was so sincere and kindly, and the flavours just reminded me of good old ranch-style cooking.
Need to go pick Jason up now. Should be good fun. Later!
Friday, November 9, 2007
Poetry that could save your life
Streemin
Im in the botom streme
Which means Im not brigth
dont like reading
cant hardly write
To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong admit it;
Whenever you’re right shut up.
A Red, Red Rose
Robert Burns (1759-1796)
O, my love’s like a red, red rose,
That’s newly sprung in June:
O my love’s like the melodie,
That’s sweetly play’d in tune.
As fair art thou, my bonnie lass,
So deep in love am I,
And I will love thee still, my dear,
Till a’ the seas gang dry.
Till a’ the seas gang dry, my Dear,
And the rocks melt wi’ the sun:
I will love thee still, my Dear,
While the sands o’ life shall run.
And fare thee weel, my only love,
And fare thee weel a while!
And I will come again, my love.
Tho’ it were ten thousand mile!
My True Love Hath My Heart
Sir Philip Sidney (1554-1586)
My true-love hath my heart, and I have his,
By just exchange one for another given:
I hold his dear, and mine he cannot miss,
There never was a better bargain driven:
O Tell Me The Truth About Love
W.H. Auden (1907-1973)
Some say love’s a little boy,
And some say it’s a bird,
Some say it makes the world go around,
Some say that’s absurd,
And when I asked the man next-door,
Who looked as if he knew,
His wife got very cross indeed,
And said it wouldn’t do.
Yes, I’ll Marry You
Pam Ayres
Which means Im not brigth
dont like reading
cant hardly write
but all these divishns
arent reely fair
look at the cemtery
no streemin there
Roger McGough
Money
That money talks
I won’t deny.
I heard it once.
It said, “Goodbye”.
Richard Armour
And the Days are not Full Enough
And the days are not full enough
And the nights are not full enough
And life slips by like a field mouse
Not shaking the grass.
Ezra Pound
| Late Fragment |
| And did you get what you wanted from this life, even so? I did. And what did you want? To call myself beloved, to feel myself beloved on the earth. Raymond Carver
The Ted Williams Villanelle “Don’t let anybody mess with your swing.”
Its time to shine. You’re in the ring. And while the ball is taking wing, Don’t let envious bastards bring Sing out, if you want to sing. Enjoy your talents. Have your fling. |
As much as you can
Even if you cannot shape your life as you want it,
at least try this
as much as you can; do not debase it
in excessive contact with the world,
in the excessive movements and talk.
Do not debase it by taking it,
dragging it often and exposing it
to the daily folly
of relationships and associations,
until it becomes burdensome as an alien life.
Constantine P. Cavafy (1913)
“LEISURE”
WH Davies
What is this life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.
No time to stand beneath the boughs
And stare as long as sheep or cows.
No time to see, when woods we pass,
Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass.
No time to see, in broad daylight,
Streams full of stars, like skies at night.
No time to turn at Beauty’s glance,
And watch her feet, how they can dance.
No time to wait till her mouth can
Enrich that smile her eyes began.
A poor life this if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.
24th September 1945
The best sea: has yet to be crossed.
The best child: has yet to be born.
The best days: have yet to be lived;
And the best word that I wanted to say to you
is the word that I have not yet said.
Nasim Hikmet
To Keep Your Marriage Brimming
Ogden Nash (1902-1971)
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong admit it;
Whenever you’re right shut up.
Love
Roy Croft
Roy Croft
I love you,
Not only for what you are,
But for what I am when I am with you.
I love you,
Not only for what you have made of yourself,
But for what you are making of me.
I love you for
the part of me that you bring out;
I love you for
putting your hand into my heaped-up heart
And passing over all the foolish, weak things
that you can’t help dimly seeing there,
And for drawing out into the light
All the beautiful belongings
that no one else had looked
Quite far enough to find.
I love you because you
Are helping me to make
Of the lumber of my life
Not a tavern, but a temple;
Out of the works
Of my every day
Not a reproach
But a song.
I love you because you have done
More than any creed
Could have done
To make me good,
And more than any fate
Could have done
To make me happy.
You have done it
Without a touch,
Without a word,
Without a sign.
You have done it by being yourself.
Perhaps that is what
being a friend means, after all.
Robert Burns (1759-1796)
That’s newly sprung in June:
O my love’s like the melodie,
That’s sweetly play’d in tune.
So deep in love am I,
And I will love thee still, my dear,
Till a’ the seas gang dry.
And the rocks melt wi’ the sun:
I will love thee still, my Dear,
While the sands o’ life shall run.
And fare thee weel a while!
And I will come again, my love.
Tho’ it were ten thousand mile!
Sir Philip Sidney (1554-1586)
By just exchange one for another given:
I hold his dear, and mine he cannot miss,
There never was a better bargain driven:
My true-love hath my heart, and I have his,
My heart in me keeps him and me in one,
My heart in him his thoughts and senses guide:
He loves my heart, for once it was his own,
I cherish his because in me it bides:
My true-love hath my heart, and I have his.
W.H. Auden (1907-1973)
And some say it’s a bird,
Some say it makes the world go around,
Some say that’s absurd,
And when I asked the man next-door,
Who looked as if he knew,
His wife got very cross indeed,
And said it wouldn’t do.
Does it look like a pair of pyjamas,
Or the ham in a temperance hotel?
Does its odour remind one of llamas,
Or has it a comforting smell?
Is it prickly to touch as a hedge is,
Or soft as eiderdown fluff?
Is it sharp or quite smooth at the edges?
O tell me the truth about love.
Our history books refer to it
In cryptic little notes,
It’s quite a common topic on
The Transatlantic boats;
I’ve found the subject mentioned in
Accounts of suicides,
And even seen it scribbled on
The backs of railway guides.
Does it howl like a hungry Alsatian,
Or boom like a military band?
Could one give a first-rate imitation
On a saw or a Steinway Grand?
Is its singing at parties a riot?
Does it only like Classical stuff?
Will it stop when one wants to be quiet?
O tell me the truth about love.
I looked inside the summer-house;
It wasn’t over there;
I tried the Thames at Maidenhead,
And Brighton’s bracing air.
I don’t know what the blackbird sang,
Or what the tulip said;
But it wasn’t in the chicken-run,
Or underneath the bed.
Can it pull extraordinary faces?
Is it usually sick on a swing?
Does it spend all its time at the races,
or fiddling with pieces of string?
Has it views of its own about money?
Does it think Patriotism enough?
Are its stories vulgar but funny?
O tell me the truth about love.
When it comes, will it come without warning
Just as I’m picking my nose?
Will it knock on my door in the morning,
Or tread in the bus on my toes?
Will it come like a change in the weather?
Will its greeting be courteous or rough?
Will it alter my life altogether?
O tell me the truth about love.
Yes, I’ll Marry You
Pam Ayres
Yes, I’ll marry you, my dear,
And here’s the reason why;
So I can push you out of bed
When the baby starts to cry,
And if we hear a knocking
And it’s creepy and it’s late,
I hand you the torch you see,
And you investigate.
Yes I’ll marry you, my dear,
You may not apprehend it,
But when the tumble-drier goes
It’s you that has to mend it,
You have to face the neighbour
Should our labrador attack him,
And if a drunkard fondles me
It’s you that has to whack him.
Yes, I’ll marry you,
You’re virile and you’re lean,
My house is like a pigsty
You can help to keep it clean.
That sexy little dinner
Which you served by candlelight,
As I do chipolatas,
You can cook it every night!
It’s you who has to work the drill
and put up curtain track,
And when I’ve got PMT it’s you who gets the flak,
I do see great advantages,
But none of them for you,
And so before you see the light,
I do, I do, I do!
