How many times must a woman reset herself?
I get this sense that Bu is like Alfred and I am like Bruce.
He can jolly well say “I bloody told you so” but he doesn’t or won’t.
And I, merrily, fecklessly, continue crusading along for no good or clear cause at all. There are the occasional triumphs, but mostly when there are aches and pains (and those are pretty often), it is good old Alfred I turn to for comfort, admonishment and plain old good sense.
You’d think I knew better.
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Re-reading my blog entries alerts me of the apparent lapses in thought and behaviour on my part, and reminds me that I am still not concretely working towards any goal at all. It must be very very frustrating to live with me, and abruptly it dawns on me why he has run out of patience. Here is a man who does not want to live an aimless, meandering life. Here is a man full of dreams, hopes and ambition, who cannot seem to proceed because his wife simply doesn’t know what she wishes to do with her life. What does she hope to see on her epitaph? Can she be defined by anything other than meaningless words such as good friend, great teacher, filial child? Are those really empty words? Does she hope to leave a legacy, be it in social services or research?
She doesn’t know. There are a million things to do and none to hang on to and nowhere to begin.
But that is a negative way of thinking. The hardest is beginning, that’s all. It’s painful perhaps, but far from impossible.
And so we begin, again.
Let’s get priorities straight. I like fashion. I don’t think I ever want to be unable to afford the occasional indulgence in a vintage frock or sparkly gemstone. I also like spending money buying gifts for others.
To lead the good life, one must have enough money to afford the good life.
How does one get enough money? One needs to generate income. And without a substantial amount to invest, one must go to work.
Right now, short-sighted as it seems, I cannot find a job that pays me the equivalent of what I’m earning. Or rather, I’m not aware of such a job.
I also don’t save nor invest as much as I’d like to, and the wedding expenses have to be factored in. For the next half a year, it might be advisable to tighten my belt (as Bu pointed out, he hardly spends money compared to me). Still, it’s definitely time to start looking at investment options and generating a seed fund.
On the job front, what use is it complaining? One must inspire and be inspired. It’s the right way to live life, otherwise one becomes indistinguishable from the very specimen of homo sapiens one dislikes. Teaching is a wonderful job, and perhaps made more wonderful in an ordinary school. I’ve never forgotten that, but it seems that my inner demon is wresting for control. But it’s a mental game isn’t it? And since my mental health hasn’t been this good for some time, who says the cheerleaders won’t win?
On the home front, I’m letting the house go to the dogs. Cleaning up shouldn’t be seen as taking up time. It’s part of life 
From today, I must try to blog regularly about the positives in life. It really helps. And learn to go to my little quiet space. I;ve said all this so very many times before. But I’m not internalising it. God grant me the strength and courage.
Love.
