damnit the world doesnt revolve ard me so i cant summon things and ppl and just discard them according to my whim and fancy. but i wish that i cld. im so tired of trying to be a nice reasonable person. i think being a selfish bitchy nasty person might be ok, even enjoyable for awhile, for a change.
for goodness sake why cant i jsut say no when i dont wanna do certain things. i already know that i wont enjoy those activities and keeping an open mind just makes it worse. what the shit what is wrong with me why am i so eager to please and scared of being criticised. why dont i just be a pig if i feel like being a pig. why do i try to care? nobody’s going to like anybody for long anyway. this is a fickle, fucked up world we live in and well today what seems important and rant-worthy to me will probably seem unneccesary tnmr. there is no permanance in anything anyway so why get so angry? i shld just focus on my work, the very work that’s driving me nuts, and finish it and getouttahere. but who am i kidding it can never be finished the fucking work just fucking sucks and i dont want to face reality or run away from it so i shld just die. i am a freak who just cant be happy with what ive decided upon becos i can only see limited choices none of which are satisfactory. what i really need now are strong arms to wrap ard me and to take care of everything and i simply dont get that. everything i say just becomes an accusation a fault a lie. all i get are promises that i cant believe in. maybe it’s my fault. i know i tried so hard to obey to trust to follow but ultimately it’s still a lonely battle. a fucking solitary eternal battle. who can understand? you’ve never been inside my world. to you im just creating trouble for myself, complicating my life etc. stop and think about it. you genuinely think i enjoy doing this to myself? you think im unaware that all this unhappiness leads nowhere? you think i dont want to break free? already im no good at dealing with crisis in my diminished state and where are the strong arms i need? who the fuck is protecting me and caring for me?
very self-destructive. i want to keep this here as a reminder to myself of the kind of uncontrollable and unreasonable rage i can feel 
