Triggers (a bad end to a good day)
Even as I type this, I can feel the meds starting to take effect.
I’d been off medication since Friday. I felt that as far as possible I didn’t want to take any pills. I wanted to function without chemicals screwing with my mind. And I did pretty well…until midnight.
I feel like a sorry lame ass sometimes, Bubu. I hate how I allow myself to be affected by my mother. I hate how I’m drawn into rows with her. I hate how she makes me cry and makes me fume after she has made me so happy. I know that it’s up to me to change things, to accept thing, to deal with things. But tonight I failed, I wanted to cry, I wanted to smash the mug I was drinking from, I called her a f-ing bitch. Then I felt cold and sad and tired and I shivered a little, and I decided to take my pills. I have started feeling nauseous and drowsy now, but the tears are still threatening to spill. I have told people at work that I am only affected by work, that my personal life is fine, but you know the truth is that my family is such a major source of stress to me, and unexpectedly, in a sudden, unanticipated moment of weakness, I have allowed myself to capitulate. Just like that, a whole evening’s worth of gaiety and possibility, ruined because I couldn’t keep my mouth shut and my emotions in check. I would like so much now, to say goodbye forever to my self-righteous goddamn irritatant of a mother. And yet I know this is the same woman who tries to understand me and who took good care of me. The woman whose vicious tongue and brutal actions cause me to stay away is also the same woman who now allows me to hug Also to sleep and encouraged me to take rest.
I feel stupid. Stupid for wanting to please her. And also stupid for repeating my mistakes during my interactions with her. She was out to get me, since after all tonight I had, uncharacteristically, taken my father’s side. She probably felt that I had been bribed and brainwashed. I had merely chided her for being unreasonably critical of him. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, remember that. The truth in this statement really scares me, myself a woman-in-the-making. It also reminds me of the vindictive and cunning side that I have glimpsed of my sister.
I think maybe the first question I should ask God is why I received these family members. I am so tired of them repeating themselves. They are probably tired of me doing my rational, holier-than-thou routine too 
I really am made to feel like I have to constantly check myself; that I cannot express myself too much, lest I become too much of a menace to myself and to others. Although of course, who can make me feel this way except myself? Oh man I need a thickER skin. An impervious hide. A heckcare bochup water-off-a-duck’s-back attitude.
In fact I know my limits and fault. I just need to be able to extend my wings and to fly, and I won’t cause anyone trouble really. I too have learnt, been bruised, knocked about, and emerged marginally improved each time. All I want is to be kind and patient and for others to be kind and patient back. But well, slowly it’s becoming apparent to me that my simple want is in fact possibly a bit too much to ask.
Man are sinners. Only God does not disappoint.
I may be becoming another statistic in the massive group of people who have turned to Christ for solace in their hour of need. And then my parents will rant and ask why this is necessary and I could say well you drove me to this and then we could continue arguing and retaliating…Why oh why do we care so much about the opinion of Man?!
Good night. Sleep (after reading some nice interesting blogs) will do me good. I will make tomorrow better! JY!
