The best way out is always through

The past three weeks have afforded me rest, happiness, peace and clarity of mind. However, in the midst of reflecting, I’ve also experienced nightmares, discomfort, fear and anxiety. I sleep and wake, wake and sleep, spending days in limbo, with wakefulness, watchfulness, wooziness, happiness, reality, dreams and the surreal all intermingling and not quite making sense.

Night and day didn’t count for much. I had no timetable, and it wasn’t as pleasant as I thought it would be.

A constantly turning mind and minddrugs that attempt to control it makes for a crazy (ha! the irony) combination. I think but don’t feel, or feel but cannot think (like now, I can’t arrange my thoughts as well as I’d like to).

I’ve managed to work through many demons. I’ve steadied and readied myself. But I will still remain trapped if I do not do what I feel is right. And I don’t wish to run away anymore. I need and want to relax fully. But to do that, something’s gotta give. I need to let go somewhere. And unfortunately, because of consequences, I cannot and will not follow the doc’s advice to a T. Wish I could–it’s so easy to just fcuk it all. But even dreamers need to do some groundwork before they take off

I must face up to the task/challange. And chip away at it gradually. I know the cause of all this anxiety. I must remove the root cause and deal with the add-ons. I am tired and I am afraid but I don’t wish to cop-out. No matter what, I must do what I feel comfortable about. I cannot let myself and you down.

Will I be able to handle it? Well life is one big experiment after all. I’ve had awful feelings of hopelessness. And sitting and staring into space or sitting and agonising won’t make things better. So I might as well try.

Who am I baby?

A dreamer who fears to fly. I prepare for flight but chicken out, last-min, at take-off. And I scare myself silly, unnecessarily, tragically.

Either grow wings or learn to be happy crawling, bodoh. You can’t have both in this instance.

All your life you’ve had it easy. Now you find that you cannot face up to the test. Realities of life, self-imposed limits, qlife crisis, poor stress management skills, burnout, mismatch, protected childhood leading to kidult tendencies and inadequacies, whatever. What matters is that today you realise that grasping and wanting and fretting without action will get you nowhere.

The older folk advised you to learn to compromise. You scoffed, wanting to hold on to your ideals while achieving measurable success. You didn’t quite manage to. Now you must find the courage within yourself to try again.

This time, you WILL compromise.

But only so that it serves as a stepping stone to those stupid (to others), precious (to you) ideals that you still dream of fulfilling Who says you gotta ever stop being an optimistic cookie? Others can step all over you but they can’t take the possibilities of your dreams away from you.

2 entries found for surreal.

1. Having qualities attributed to or associated with surrealism: “Even with most facilities shut down… a few mavericks managed to slip into the park to sample the almost surreal emptiness before the shutdown ended.” (Peter H. King).
2. Having an oddly dreamlike quality.

adj 1: characterized by fantastic imagery and incongruous juxtapositions; “a great concourse of phantasmagoric shadows”–J.C.Powys; “the incongruous imagery in surreal art and literature” [syn: phantasmagoric, phantasmagorical, surrealistic] 2: resembling a dream; “night invested the lake with a dreamlike quality”; “as irrational and surreal as a dream” [syn: dreamlike]