Beautiful Dreamer

Beautiful dreamer, wake unto me, 
Starlight and dewdrops are waiting for thee;
Sounds of the rude world heard in the day,
Lull’d by the moonlight have all pass’d a way!

- Stephen Foster

I seem to remember having sung this song in Pri sch…it’s a simple lullaby, and reminds me of a better, sweeter time.I was in the choir, and I must say I didn’t enjoy myself very much. I joined only because I couldn’t think of anything else to join. It was a rather exclusive and glamorous sorta ECA, full of pretty girls with twittering voices (there is no rancour i swear :P) my bestie was a star (she’s doing pretty well as a singer these days), and many of my classmates who were very popular were with me at choir practice on Saturdays. I made only one good friend there, who’s now a doctor-in-training and seems to have morphed into a full-fledged Rafflesian of the cheery, happening, church-going sort. But she was very nice when we were 11 years old, and I am thankful that she cared enough for me to include me and to write me, a misfit of sorts, a lovely autograph. I didn’t (and still don’t) get along with girly girls who do makeovers and sleepovers and organise themselves according to cliques. There were days when I absolutely hated choir practice. I remember wearing a ghastly green top and flouncy lacy, sequinned-trimmed skirt (ok it didn;t look that bad cos it was a stage costume and stage costumes in the 80s..well, all flash and uncoolness understandably heh) and hating every moment I had to put it on. Certainly I put on a brave front, but what upset me was the fact that I got assigned green because four other girls arranged themselves ahead and behind me. It was supposed to be pink, blue, green, pink, blue green…Almost every young girl likes bright pink and blue so I can understand how they felt but it really was quite underhanded. To nudge/push/wheedle their way into not getting tailored for the green blouse (it was a damn ugly shade…I still dislike it to this day, even though I love the colour green). So anyway I got over it lah, and I did try my best to sing sweetly and happily at the ensuing SYF competition. I also enjoyed the Cinderella musical that we put up. We had to practise hard, and I even got a sore throat for my efforts! And I remember that many girls were in love with the girl who played Prince Charming and many girls wanted to be the girl who played Cinderella. Me, I couldn’t wait for the afternoons to come so I could borrow books at the Geylang East library and go swimming at the swimming complex and eat my favourite fish burger from Garden Bakery after that (I’m gonna blog about my Geylang East adventures in a separate post *grin*). But I don’t know what it is about choir costumes…choir mistresses seem to favour chiffon. The next gown we got was a lilac affair that made geeky, gawky me look most unlady-like and unsophisticated. When I went on the secondary school the following year, a fat senior that I didn’t like actually fawned over it, which led me to realise early on in life that taste really is very subjective. Pity she couldn’t fit into the gown–she had somehow managed to get herself cast as the princess in our little skit and I had brought the gown along as a potential costume. It was worn by another senior, to her disappointment. But I think she was happy lah cos she got to waltz with a tall Sec 4.So back to the choir, obviously we spent a lot of time singing, and I remember I had a thick file with plastic pockets filled with many many songssheets, all lovely tunes, and although many escape me now, I want to post the lyrics of some of the more memorable ones. Maybe I will sing them for you someday?

AS THE DEER (Martin Nystrom. Psalm 42:1)

As the deer panteth for the water,
So my soul longs after you.
You alone are my hearts desire,
And I long to worship You.

Chorus
You alone are my strength, my shield;
To You alone may my spirit yield.
You alone are my hearts desire,
and I long to worship You.

I want you more than gold or silver,
Only You can satisfy.
You alone are the real joy giver
And the apple of my eye.

Chorus
You alone are my strength, my shield;
To You alone may my spirit yield.
You alone are my hearts desire,
and I long to worship You.

You’re my friend and You’re my brother,
Even though you are a King.
I love You more than any other
So much more than anything.

Chorus
You alone are my strength, my shield;
To You alone may my spirit yield.
You alone are my hearts desire,
and I long to worship You.

Artist: Cinderella Lyrics
Song: So This Is Love Lyrics

So this is love, Mmmmmm
So this is love
So this is what makes life divine
I’m all aglow, Mmmmmm
And now I know
The key to all heaven is mine
My heart has wings, Mmmmmm
And I can fly
I’ll touch ev’ry star in the sky
So this is the miracle that I’ve been dreaming of
Mmmmmm
Mmmmmm
So this is love

Di Tanjong Katong, airnya biru 

Di situ tempatnya dara jelita  

Duduk sekampung, lagikan rindu  

Kononlah pula nun jauh di mata  

Pulau Pandan jauh ke tengah 

Gunung Daik bercabang tiga 

Hancur badan di kandung tanah  

Budi yang baik di kenang jua  

( Repeat Chorus )  

Kalau ada jarum patah  

Jangan simpan di dalam peti  

Kalau ada silap sepatah  

Jangan disimpan di dalam hati  

  ( Repeat Chorus ) 

——————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————–

I’ve been trawling the net for song lyrics and poems that I like. And there are so many meaningful and touching ones! I feel like I’m re-discovering a part of me that I thought had died! I think I should look into compiling them properly, instead of saving them in too many Word documents on my thumbdrive. Organising was never my strong suit, sheesh.

I also want to do some colouring in my coloring books. I need new colour pencils and markers and paint! I coloured 20+ Snow White and the 7 Dwarves pictures to enter a contest, and I cried for 2 days when one of my best efforts get wedged between the wall and my parents’ built-in table at our old place. I sometimes wonder if I can go visit to the new owners and ask what happened to it. And also my unreceived letters from my German penfriend…

Hey I suddenly know what you mean by ‘what has your life become?’. I used to have so many hobbies!

 Better do something about it Piggy! Thanks for beingso patient with me, m’dear sagely BuBu…

I used to doodle so much with this application in Sec or was it Pri sch. Times have changed…doubt kids these days even know about this oldskool software Was fun fiddling around with the limited drawing tools and colours.

Anyway, after feasting on Cadbury Crunchie, I was ‘inspired’ to draw this:

*Grrr..I cldn’t upload my pic despite repeated attempts…basically I drew a picture of a pig and below it I typed

I am unfit and if I carry on having chocolate cravings I will never be able to run 10km comfortably or wear those pretty, stretchy, clingy NIKE Womens’ tops!

Anyway, I keep getting distracted from my blogging! Focus, Piggy!

No this is not going to be a post about taking a gamble in life etc I wish to blog about somethings much more mundane, but in some sense, no less pressing.

I’ve never been interested in the lottery, gambling, placing bets, mahjong, poker, casinos etc. Heck, I suspect I may have even been secretly against all forms of gambling. Sure, it’s nice to dream of striking it rich, winning a prize, fulfilling a dream, living like a backpacker for the rest of my life etc, but I simply had no tendency to go places some bets on soccer or Toto. After all, over the years I’ve seen how my close pal’s life has been nearly ruined by debts of all sorts.

But you know, with home prices in Sg steadily creeping up (yes my dear, I’ve joined the ranks of those young, poor, ratrace home-owner wannabes), and me wanting a place of my own, I can’t help but be sucked in by the allure of the potential of winning the Big Sweep. It IS very tempting. Money all round, everybody’s HAPPY. HAHAHA.

But til then, we remain young and poor. No spending power…yet.

So your papa says:

1. Stay with him. Save all utilties, rent etc while we increase our earning power to finance a condo. He doesn’t understand our desire for space and privacy, bless him

2. Buy a condo. You need a prestigious address as befits your status. Buy freehold cos it’s all so cheap now. Buy Seasons Park. Buy Sembawang (read: faraway) so it costs less. Apparently 4ooK will get us a SMALL, cozy unit.

3. Buy public housing only if it’s less than 5 years old. Otherwise it’s gonna depreciate in value. Or buy cheap like yr bro. 190K for 5 rm in Punggol.

So how now brown cow? I say you change car and either or both of us change jobs if we need to or want to. We gotta do our sums. And talk and plan and change our minds and decide and talk and dream and think and make up our minds and talk and compare and discuss and ask and talk. Exciting, stressful times ahead!!!

I’m so glad that I’m building a life with you. This is a gamble that I’m willing to stake everything on

The past three weeks have afforded me rest, happiness, peace and clarity of mind. However, in the midst of reflecting, I’ve also experienced nightmares, discomfort, fear and anxiety. I sleep and wake, wake and sleep, spending days in limbo, with wakefulness, watchfulness, wooziness, happiness, reality, dreams and the surreal all intermingling and not quite making sense.

Night and day didn’t count for much. I had no timetable, and it wasn’t as pleasant as I thought it would be.

A constantly turning mind and minddrugs that attempt to control it makes for a crazy (ha! the irony) combination. I think but don’t feel, or feel but cannot think (like now, I can’t arrange my thoughts as well as I’d like to).

I’ve managed to work through many demons. I’ve steadied and readied myself. But I will still remain trapped if I do not do what I feel is right. And I don’t wish to run away anymore. I need and want to relax fully. But to do that, something’s gotta give. I need to let go somewhere. And unfortunately, because of consequences, I cannot and will not follow the doc’s advice to a T. Wish I could–it’s so easy to just fcuk it all. But even dreamers need to do some groundwork before they take off

I must face up to the task/challange. And chip away at it gradually. I know the cause of all this anxiety. I must remove the root cause and deal with the add-ons. I am tired and I am afraid but I don’t wish to cop-out. No matter what, I must do what I feel comfortable about. I cannot let myself and you down.

Will I be able to handle it? Well life is one big experiment after all. I’ve had awful feelings of hopelessness. And sitting and staring into space or sitting and agonising won’t make things better. So I might as well try.

Who am I baby?

A dreamer who fears to fly. I prepare for flight but chicken out, last-min, at take-off. And I scare myself silly, unnecessarily, tragically.

Either grow wings or learn to be happy crawling, bodoh. You can’t have both in this instance.

All your life you’ve had it easy. Now you find that you cannot face up to the test. Realities of life, self-imposed limits, qlife crisis, poor stress management skills, burnout, mismatch, protected childhood leading to kidult tendencies and inadequacies, whatever. What matters is that today you realise that grasping and wanting and fretting without action will get you nowhere.

The older folk advised you to learn to compromise. You scoffed, wanting to hold on to your ideals while achieving measurable success. You didn’t quite manage to. Now you must find the courage within yourself to try again.

This time, you WILL compromise.

But only so that it serves as a stepping stone to those stupid (to others), precious (to you) ideals that you still dream of fulfilling Who says you gotta ever stop being an optimistic cookie? Others can step all over you but they can’t take the possibilities of your dreams away from you.

2 entries found for surreal.

1. Having qualities attributed to or associated with surrealism: “Even with most facilities shut down… a few mavericks managed to slip into the park to sample the almost surreal emptiness before the shutdown ended.” (Peter H. King).
2. Having an oddly dreamlike quality.

adj 1: characterized by fantastic imagery and incongruous juxtapositions; “a great concourse of phantasmagoric shadows”–J.C.Powys; “the incongruous imagery in surreal art and literature” [syn: phantasmagoric, phantasmagorical, surrealistic] 2: resembling a dream; “night invested the lake with a dreamlike quality”; “as irrational and surreal as a dream” [syn: dreamlike]