Of Epiphanies and Muddle-Headedness
Yesterday as I strolled to the MRT station, everything made sense. I was just taking a very familiar route, not really paying attention to where I was heading and letting my mind wander. As I trudged up the slope, I realised that there is a reason why work is called ‘work’. If it was supposed to be thoroughly enjoyable it’d have been called ‘play’ or ‘ice-cream’. I know it sounds like it’s obvious, but it hasn’t always been obvious to me. I’ve always been more or less aware of myself and of others and thankfully, of the world around me, but I can’t say I’ve been actively, purposefully aware. It was more like an ‘ok I know this needs to be done because of such and such but chill man, as long as I know it’s fine, no action needed for the moment’. I think that is why teachers have always rated my potential as ‘high’ but it was a different, surprising story when it came to actual ‘performance’.
As I walked up the slope something clicked and I realised that I have to take the initiative in life and not just wait passively for things to fall in my lap. And that I had been doing it all wrong all this while. I had been trying to control the events in my life when I should have focused my energies on controlling my reactions to them instead. Because by doing so I would be able to DEAL WITH matters. To make matters worse I had been constantly fretting about the outcomes of certain moves I made without actually being completely certain of my desired moves or outcomes and not exactly working to influence outcomes so that they were in my favour.
It’s like a prisoner who is tied up and keeps thinking about escaping but makes no attempt to spot the knife that is on the table. When she does eventually spot the knife, she hesitates about wriggling her way over to the table to procure the knife so that she can cut herself free. WHile it may or may not be obvious to her that this is one course of action that will grant her escape, she chooses in stead to spend her time hesitating about whether to go over to the table, or thinking about other possile escape methods. Imagine doing this while she is also painfully and acutely aware that she needs to free herself immediately for she is already panicking like crazy and time is running out as soon her jailors will return. Darling I’m not saying I’m like this all the time–I’d have failed to function! But I was like that half the time. Okay, at least two-thirds of the time.
So anyway, after I realised the folly of my ways, after something clicked, after the proverbial light bulb lit up in my head (haha I have this bad habit of repeating lousy writing techniques that I recognise, such as using cliches and being redundant), I immediately felt this incredible lightness of being. What was holding me back was myself.
Change, move, go. Take life as it comes. Make sound decisions. Strike while the iron is hot.
*cue light bulb flickering on in Squish’s head*
I wasn’t sure which direction to move in yet but I felt that if I was patient things would work themselves out. And although my messy brain was going into overdrive, I also felt it settling down, re-organisng, re-grouping.
I was calm on the journey to HarbourFront.
And when I got there, I was interested in shopping. That was a good sign. Because when I am in a blah mood, I don’t even step into my favourite store. That’s what I mean when I say I allow myself to get affected by my emotions. Emotions are not moods. Emotions can change quickly.
And then you guys came by and I had such a good time. Thanks guys 
The night was terrible. I slept and awoke, slept and awoke, tossed and turned, pressed close to you and pulled back. There were millions of doubts in my mind, hundreds of possibilities, all seemingly unsatisfactory. I feared going back to school, I longed to go back to school, I wanted to confide in some co-workers, I wanted to tell them that the episode was not of the past, I wanted to tell my parents I loved them, I hoped my Dad would leave us, I felt inadequate, I felt alive and whole…
Steady yourself Squish. You have many mentors if you only know where to look. You have reserves and resources and strength and succour both within and without.
You can talk to people. You can read. You can dream. You can decide.
So now, my options:
1. Learn to live with my current situation
2. Move out.
3. Join the Captains of Lives.
Although my head tells me to go for 1, my heart has been crying out, for too long, to go for 2. and 3. I fear, just as the Velveteen Rabbit does. But if I am shackled to my fear what joy can there be in living? Nothing is ever plain-sailing, and certain;ly I am unhappy for my soul has been starved. Yes, being in a sate of flux can be slightly scary but it’s also a heady, exhilarating and exciting time. Infinite possibilities await!
2. then. Followed by 3. and then 4. Living/Working Abroad.
Let’s put me in order and then you in order while we purchase our bookshelf-lined loft ok darling? We’re gonna have a great life together. I just know it
